Having sex with someone is a really big step, especially when it's the first time with each other. Part of our youth is that we do crazy things and we make mistakes and we learn from them. But there are some mistakes that hurt us more than others and these can stay with us for a really long time.
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my youth was sleeping with a guy before if felt right
Realistically it probably would have never felt right with that guy because the starting point with him was not one of closeness. We didn't really know each other deeply, in fact we were barely even in a real relationship. I felt empty inside and a bit lonely, and I liked the excitement and attention he gave me. Unfortunately though, that excitement was only temporary and after we had sex the attention disappeared, leaving me feeling even more empty, hurt and used the next day.
Sex can be such an intimate and satisfying experience when there is mutual respect and closeness on all levels; mentally, emotionally and then physically too. Then, it's almost like the physical side of the relationship, sex, is just a beautiful continuation of the relationship, not the foundation of it.
Here are Four Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex that might help your experience of sex to be a beautiful one.
1. How Do You Feel About the Other Person?
Do you care deeply for and feel close to each other? Are you in a relationship where you trust each other enough to share the really personal things about yourself; like how you feel during the good times and the bad? Sharing and being open lays the foundations for the relationship and it helps you to feel closer and safer with each other. Feeling that you have this together is one way to feel you're ready for a more physical, sexual relationship.
2. What Makes You Want Sex?
Sometimes we have sex because there is pressure around losing your virginity, pressure to be cool or simply because you feel that a man will like you and want to be with you if you sleep with him. As easy as it is to jump into bed with a guy in order to feel wanted and validated by him or by others, in my experience, it doesn't work out well. Ask yourself, why do I want to sleep with him? Do your best to ignore any external pressure and go with what feels right for you, in your own heart.
3. How Do You Feel Within Yourself?
Close your eyes and imagine having sex with this person. Does it feel loving and safe? Or do you feel afraid to do the "wrong" thing and like you can't say no? When you feel truly close to someone it's easier to say "no" to things that you don't want to do sexually, and to express the things you actually do like and enjoy. If you imagine that it will be hard for you to say no to things that make you feel uncomfortable, or that you'll be treated as a bit of a sexual object, perhaps it's not quite the right time/or guy yet. If you imagine that you'll feel relaxed, considered and treated with respect and tenderness; it will likely be such a better experience for the both of you!
4. How Will You Feel After Having Sex?
The moments after sex are often the times when you feel even closer and more connected to each other. Ask yourself; how will I feel after we've had sex? If you think that he will try to leave asap, brag to all his friends about it, or roll over and go straight to sleep with out so much as a kiss, a word to say "goodnight" or a cuddle, maybe this isn't the right guy for you. How do you think you'll feel with each other the next day? Will you be anxious waiting to see if he will text or call, or will you feel even more confident and loved in the relationship? We all want that feeling of mutual respect and love in relationships and sexual experiences and with out it we will often feel used and empty; like a sexual object. Feeling closer to each other after having sex is a beautiful sign that whilst sex is a great part of the relationship, there is so much more to your connection as well.
5. Have you talked about protection? Feeling confident discussing birth control and anything else involved with having sex is a sign that you're comfortable with each other. It's easy to just assume that he's "clean", or that because you might be on the pill you don't actually need to use protection. Unwanted pregnancies and STI’s are two things that you really do not wish to have. So just talk about them with each other openly and casually; it doesn't have to be awkward. You're allowed to voice your preferences! Be mindful that he doesn’t pressurise you to do things that later you might regret. It's your body and no matter how he reacts or what he might think, you are allowed to say no. If you don't feel completely comfortable with something use your confidence to say what you prefer. Most men will respect you more for it!
If you have any questions regarding sex or relationships we would love to hear from you. Leave a comment below, get in touch or Ask A Question in "Conversations".
We are going to make mistakes in life, it's inevitable. If we allow ourselves to be gentle and kind about the mistake...